If I Had A Billion Dollars

Based on the song by Barenaked Ladies - "If I Had A $1,000,000^{[ YouTube ]}" lyrics.

Re-written by Jason Carswell:

If I had a billion dollars,

If I had a billion dollars,

I'd buy all your houses.

I would buy all your houses.

If I had a billion dollars,

If I had a billion dollars,

I'd kick you out of your houses.

Maybe let you pay overpriced rent.

And if I had a billion dollars,

If I had a billion dollars,

I'd sell you on universal basic income

with nice UBI propaganda

If I had a billion dollars...

I'd buy your life.

If I had a billion dollars,

I'd build a bunker under our mansion's yard.

If I had a billion dollars,

I'd hire illegals, so it wouldn't be that hard.

If I had a billion dollars,

Maybe we could put a ridiculously expensive fridge in there somewhere.

[Talking:]

We could just go down there and hang out.

Like open the fridge and stuff, and there'd be gourmet foods laid out for us.

With little prepared hors d'oeuvres and things. Mmmmm.

Invite rich folks over for adrenochrome parties, but not let the public know.

Well can you blame them?

Yeah!

If I had a billion dollars,

If I had a billion dollars,

I'd buy you a fur coat.

but an extinct fur coat, that's cruel.

If I had a billion dollars,

If I had a billion dollars,

I'd buy you an exotic zoo.

Or sports team or social media.

If I had a billion dollars,

If I had a billion dollars,

I'd buy you a seat in parliament.

One way or another we're sure to win.

If I had a billion dollars...

I'd buy your life.

If I had a billion dollars

We wouldn't have to suffer traffic.

If I had a billion dollars

We'd take a private jet and cry climate change.

If I had a billion dollars

We wouldn't have to eat fast food.

But we would buy fast food franchises. Of course we would, we'd just buy more.

And buy really cheap toxic food to feed the masses.

That's right, for all the fanciest cancers. Mmmmmm.

If I had a billion dollars,

If I had a billion dollars,

I'd buy you a private island.

but not without child servants, that's cruel.

If I had a billion dollars,

If I had a billion dollars,

I'd buy you some weapons

for conflicts in Ukraine or Israel.

If I had a billion dollars,

If I had a billion dollars,

I'd buy you a prime minister

haven't you always wanted a monkey?

If I had a billion dollars...

I'd buy your life.

If I had a billion dollars, if I had a billion dollars.

If I had a billion dollars, if I had a billion dollars...

I'd be a bitch.